5 Funny Horoscope Sites You Didn't Know Exist

May 12, 2014

Credit Andrew Reilly via flickr Creative Commons

"I can believe things that are true and things that aren't true and I can believe things where nobody knows if they're true or not." - Author Neil Gaiman, American Gods

Astrology. Whether you are a believer or not, it's probably safe to say that there are certain astrology sites and tools that are more vetted or valid than others. Some are more practical and less whimsical. Others appeal more to a vague psychological need or impulse. Many carry simple entertainment value, and still others delve deep into long analysis of a person's personality and how it was shaped by their zodiac sign.

Beginning as a skeptic herself, of Buzzfeed set out to demystify all things astrology. Her essay  "Is It Time For Us To Take Astrology Seriously?" covers the main players of modern and historical astrology and parses out how the practice is more scientific than we might think. There is even a whole Wikipedia page dedicated to "Astrology and science.

Regardless of believablity, validity, viability, and all the other "-ities" of astrology, there are some pretty hilarious astrology sites with less than conventional horoscopes. Here are five funny horoscopes with examples from my sign - Scorpio:

From astrologyweekly.com:

It's no wonder that Halloween falls smack in the middle of the Scorpio range. This is the only time of year when fake hauntings, sugar-induced hysteria, and impersonating Dr. Who won't get you arrested.

From The Onion, their hipster-oriented horoscope for the week of February 4, 2014,:

The stars foresee a lesson in humility this week when you try telling everyone about the "hot new band" Animal Collective, which the stars have been listening to for like forever.

mamamia.com's "Brutally honest. Not very accurate." horoscopes:

The equilibrium of Saturn’s seventh moon alignment with Pluto puts the sun in your water axis this week. That could go either way, so try not to do too much speaking or walking or living.

And apparently pet horoscopes exist. From horoscopes.com:

If you and your partner don't agree on a pet matter on Monday or Tuesday, you'll have to call in a third party to break the deadlock. You have a hard time dealing with pet issues alone on Wednesday and Thursday, but listening to too many opinions doesn't really help either. Wait until the end of the week, preferably Sunday, to make your absolute final decision. Keep a pet secret to yourself on Friday and Saturday.

Among other less-than-serious horoscopes, Astrology.com has a Weekly Flirt horoscope:

Tuesday you’ll experience a surge of energy that will draw the cuties to you like kids to candy.

Want to hear more about all things astrology? Listen to Virginia Prescott's interview with below: