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Who's Bill This Time?

UNIDENTIFIED PERSON: The following program was taped before an audience of no one.


CHIOKE I'ANSON: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. Filling in for Bill Kurtis, I'm Chioke I'Anson, the voice of the NPR credits and the reason you have a weird crush on Progressive Insurance. And here's your host, here to take the oath of his home office, Peter Sagal.



Thank you, Chioke. It's great to have you back. Thank you, everybody, for listening this week. That applause you're hearing, of course, is fake. If it were real, it'd be much louder. We've got a great show for you today. Later on, we're going to be talking to actor and now TikTok star Mandy Patinkin.

But first, a number of people, including a group called United Poultry Concerns, objected to our segment last week in which we talked about a method of cooking chicken by continually slapping them. Now, we apologize for any upset this may have caused to chicken lovers or chickens, but we were just reporting the news, people. Don't continually slap the messenger.

If you have a complaint, keep it to yourself, frankly, but give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924.

Let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi. You're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

KEVIN TRAINER: Hey, how's it going?

SAGAL: Oh, it's going well. Who's this?

TRAINER: This is Kevin Trainer (ph) from Atlanta, Ga.

SAGAL: Hey, Kevin. It's good to meet you. What do you do there in Atlanta?

TRAINER: So I am a coordinator for the customer service department for a fitness technology company. We make stuff like heart rate monitors, GPS devices and indoor trainers.

SAGAL: Oh, cool.

TRAINER: So we've been really busy this year.

SAGAL: Oh, I can imagine. I own one of those, but I only am forced to use it when I've done something criminal.

TRAINER: (Laughter).

SAGAL: Do you yourself make use of these devices? Are you one of those data nerds who's constantly writing down, like, how many watts you put out...

TRAINER: Oh, yeah.

SAGAL: ...Rate and stuff?

TRAINER: Oh, yeah. I have, like, four different power meters. Geez.

SAGAL: Yeah. And do you talk about it a lot to other people?

TRAINER: Oh, yeah, constantly. It's - I mean, you know, it's my whole life.

SAGAL: So you're single, then, I presume.

TRAINER: Yes, I am.

SAGAL: (Laughter).

MO ROCCA: Oh, I thought an indoor trainer was a person, and then I thought you could date that person.

TRAINER: I guess I could try it.

SAGAL: Oh, yeah. Well, welcome to the show, Kevin. It's great to have you. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, it's the host of the podcast Make My Day and a writer and co-executive producer for "Desus & Mero" on Showtime. It's Josh Gondelman.




SAGAL: Next, it's a comedian who hosts the new podcast Jobsolete. It explores old-timey jobs from the past. It's Helen Hong.



SAGAL: Finally, a correspondent for "CBS Sunday Morning" and author of The New York Times best-selling "Mobituaries: Great Lives Worth Reliving." It's Mo Rocca.


ROCCA: Hi, Kevin.

SAGAL: Kevin, welcome to the show. You're going to play Who's Chioke This Time? Chioke I'Anson, filling in for Bill Kurtis, is going to read you three quotations from this week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain just two of them, you'll win our prize - any voice from our show you might choose for your voicemail. You ready to go?


SAGAL: All right. Here's your first quote.

I'ANSON: I understand that many Americans view the future with some fear and trepidation. I get it.

SAGAL: That was somebody on Wednesday hinting that, yeah, he's not sure he should have taken the job. Who was it?

TRAINER: I'm thinking that's Joe Biden.

SAGAL: It is...


SAGAL: ...Or as we now get to call him, President Biden.


SAGAL: Joe Biden took the oath of office, becoming the first president ever to begin his inaugural address by saying, well, that happened. Everybody this week is talking about the relief they're feeling - except, of course, for Joe Biden, whose life just got a lot harder. He just got this new job, and already, everybody in the country expects him to send them 2,000 bucks.

ROCCA: Can I just say I loved - I thought that Amy Klobuchar was a really good host of this inauguration, but I would have loved to have seen what Kevin Hart would have done.

SAGAL: Yeah.


SAGAL: Yeah. It's true.

HONG: I actually fell asleep during Biden's speech. And it was the best that I have slept in four years. I was, like, yes. I feel so rested.

ROCCA: I - but I am actually impressed at CNN's forbearance that they didn't break away from the oath of office to report on what Trump was doing on the plane.

SAGAL: I know. That is true.

GONDELMAN: I'm torn between never wanting to hear or see Donald Trump again and wanting him to be on TV every day getting kicked out of another place.

HONG: Yes.

ROCCA: In an inset, you mean, the whole time.

GONDELMAN: Yeah, yeah, yeah - picture in picture.


SAGAL: Surprisingly, the breakout star of the inauguration was Bernie Sanders, who attracted a lot of attention with his hand-knit mittens and the way he sat by himself like a grumpy grandpa forced to watch his grandson's school play. He said he was happy. He didn't seem happy. By rights, this should be mine.

HONG: (Laughter).

ROCCA: I thought it was interesting that he - it was interesting to see who didn't get a plus-one. Like, Dan Quayle didn't get a plus-one. Bernie Sanders didn't. I wondered if Bernie just had Jane waiting out front with the car running, so it didn't get too cold.


GONDELMAN: Just sit here, Jane. It won't be very long.

HONG: He was holding his mail. He was holding his mail. He was, like, I'll be there in 10 minutes.

GONDELMAN: Mike and Karen Pence were there. And it's, like, dude, your boss already left. Just knock off for the day.


SAGAL: I know. Yeah.

ROCCA: I thought that the Trump exit, though - did anyone see that? It was kind of amazing how the plane took off perfectly coordinated with the final strains of "My Way" - of Sinatra singing "My Way." I thought whoever was - if only the guy that was in charge of that had been in charge of the vaccination program...

SAGAL: (Laughter).

ROCCA: ...Because that's a master of coordination.

SAGAL: Now, everybody, the other big star of the inauguration was, of course, Amanda Gorman, the 22-year-old poet. She became an instant star. Both of her books shot to the top of the bestseller list after the inauguration. But all these people suddenly getting into poetry are going to be disappointed that poetry is really boring if you're also not getting rid of Donald Trump.

HONG: (Laughter). She was fantastic. I...

SAGAL: It was great.

HONG: I mean, if all poetry could be the way that she delivered the poetry...

SAGAL: Oh, yes.

HONG: I mean, she had - like, she was doing these, like, beautiful hand gestures.

GONDELMAN: Well, I don't know. I feel like four years ago, we heard Donald Trump's favorite poet recite that incredible verse about the man from Nantucket and the hardships he overcame.


SAGAL: All right, Kevin. Here is your next quote.

I'ANSON: Can we get the vaccine at the drive-through?

SAGAL: That was a resident of Washington state reacting to the news that what noted Seattle company is going to be helping distribute vaccines there?

TRAINER: Oh, man. I have no idea.

SAGAL: Well, they're famous for having been founded in Seattle.

TRAINER: Oh, Starbucks.

SAGAL: Starbucks, yes.


SAGAL: Starbucks...


SAGAL: ...Is being deployed in Washington state because of its, quote, "expertise in servicing 100 million customers a week," making them well-suited to get out vaccine doses. It makes a lot of sense, but it does mean that they will triple the price of the vaccine and also give it a funny name for no reason. Hello. Who ordered the vaccinante grande (ph)?

HONG: (Laughter). Wait, is this a true story, Peter? I cannot believe this.

SAGAL: This is an absolute true story. They're taking advantage of the remarkable logistic expertise and customer service of the Starbucks Corporation.

HONG: But half the time, they can't even get my soy chai latte right.

SAGAL: (Laughter).

GONDELMAN: Well, I - whenever I go to Starbucks, and I get a vaccine, if I sit for a while, I get a second vaccine just to be polite.

HONG: (Laughter).

SAGAL: Exactly.

ROCCA: Sure. Do I have to get a vaccine to use the bathroom?

SAGAL: Yes, actually. That's a way of getting people to do it, you know? No code unless you get the vaccine. Now, people are lining up to get it, but me - I'm going to wait until it's pumpkin spice vaccine season again.


SAGAL: Kevin, here is your last quote.

I'ANSON: It's like manspreading, but with something else. Call it manslipping (ph).

SAGAL: That was The New York Times. They're talking about a new dumb thing men are doing these days. What?

TRAINER: I have no idea.

SAGAL: Well, manslipping is a kind of clue. It's about how men are doing something we're all supposed to be doing when we go out in public. But men, it seems, have trouble doing it correctly.

TRAINER: Does it have to do with mask wearing?

SAGAL: Yes, it does - the fact that they're not wearing their masks properly...


SAGAL: ...Kevin.


SAGAL: That's the answer. It seemed like we finally had stopped men from exposing themselves at work, but apparently not yet. Whether it's the snorkel, which is when you leave your nose coming out the top of the mask, or you let the mask sit on your chin - they call that the Amish beard - dumb men everywhere are just not wearing their masks right. It's like man superspreading.

At the inauguration, many dignitaries were seen doing it, including Chief Justice John Roberts. And then, of course, we saw Garth Brooks basically dip a spatula in a jar of coronavirus and spread it over everybody in attendance.

ROCCA: Right.

SAGAL: Yeah.

HONG: Even Bill Clinton had his mask down below his nose.

SAGAL: Well, yes.

ROCCA: We expected that.

SAGAL: Exactly.

ROCCA: Come on. Yeah.

GONDELMAN: He's not really known for covering up, being discreet.

SAGAL: Yeah. His assistants had to keep telling him the masks are for his health, not for some weird "Eyes Wide Shut" thing.

HONG: (Laughter).

SAGAL: What do you guys do if you see somebody walking around in a store where we're all supposed to be masked wearing a mask but, like, not over his nose?

ROCCA: I do the old-fashioned - the 19th century cut direct. I refuse to shake their hand.


SAGAL: And then you shout, you shall have no more of my customs, sir.

HONG: And then you slap him in the face with your gloves.

SAGAL: With glove, exactly.

HONG: (Laughter).

ROCCA: Exactly.

SAGAL: And then you have to throw the glove away because he wasn't wearing the mask right. It's a whole (unintelligible). Chioke, how did Kevin do on our quiz?

I'ANSON: Once again, Atlanta has the votes. Kevin got three right, making him a winner.

SAGAL: Congratulations, Kevin.

TRAINER: Awesome. This one was great.

SAGAL: Take care. And thanks so much for playing.

TRAINER: Thank you.

(SOUNDBITE OF FUTURE SONG, "MASK OFF") Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.

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