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Who's Bill This Time?

UNIDENTIFIED PERSON, BYLINE: The following program was taped before an audience of no one.


BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. Who needs a blue wave? Check out this Bill wave. Hello, I'm Bill Kurtis. And here's your host, who is just six short of 270 anxiety attacks this week, Peter Sagal.



Thank you, Bill. And thanks once again to our fake audience, which this week are the exactly 73 Americans who just love cable news election coverage and always wished it could go on longer. Now, you know what the difference is between sports and politics? In sports, you know who won right away. So later on, we're going to be talking to WNBA league MVP A'ja Wilson.

But first, it's your turn to step up to the line and take your shot. Give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Now let's welcome our first listener contestant.

Hi. You are on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

MOLLY FLYNN: Hi. I'm Molly, and I'm from Indianapolis, Ind.

SAGAL: Hey, Molly. You're right next door. What do you do there in Indianapolis?

FLYNN: I am an investigative paralegal for the Marion County Public Defender Agency.

SAGAL: Ooh, how cool.

FLYNN: Yeah, it's pretty awesome.

SAGAL: You sound like you could be the protagonist of a really good TV show.

FLYNN: (Laughter) Well, I do like to watch those.

SAGAL: What sort of things do you end up investigating as an investigative paralegal?

FLYNN: Oh, God. Well, every day is different. I do major felonies, so murders and robberies and, you know, all kinds of stuff, so...

SAGAL: Wow. Have you ever, like, solved a case, proved that your client was innocent by finding the real murderer - that sort of thing?

FLYNN: Me personally, no. I'll leave that up to the attorney (laughter).

SAGAL: Well, you can dream.

FLYNN: Yeah.

SAGAL: Well, Molly, let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, from "The Daily Show," the movie "Chick Fight," coming out November 13 in theaters and on demand, and her podcast, "That Blackass Show," it's Dulce Sloan.


DULCE SLOAN: Hello, friend.

FLYNN: Hello.

SAGAL: Next, a comedian you can see at the Tempe Improv November 12 through the 14 and hear on his podcast, "Back To School With Maz Jobrani," it's Maz Jobrani.


FLYNN: Hello.

MAZ JOBRANI: Hi, Molly. I'd watch your show.

FLYNN: (Laughter).

SAGAL: And a comedian who can be seen in the CBS comedy "The Unicorn" - Season 1 on Netflix - and host of the trivia podcast "Go Fact Yourself" on the Maximum Fun network - it's Helen Hong.


HELEN HONG: Hi, Molly. Hi, everybody.

FLYNN: Hey, Helen.

SAGAL: Hey, Molly, you're going to play Who's Bill This Time? Bill Kurtis is going to read you three quotations from this week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain just two of them, you'll win our prize - any voice from our show that you might choose on your voicemail. Are you ready to play?

FLYNN: I am ready.

SAGAL: Then let's do it. Now, we're going to start with two quotes that represent two completely opposing viewpoints. First, let's hear from a group of Republicans in Pennsylvania.

KURTIS: Stop the count.

SAGAL: Now, here, in contrast, is a group of Republicans in Arizona.

KURTIS: Count the votes.

SAGAL: Those people were chanting, amazingly, about the same thing. What?

FLYNN: The presidential election.

SAGAL: Of course, yes.


SAGAL: You somehow knew.


SAGAL: After a long week of passionate and ultimately confusing protests, it now appears that Joe Biden will be the next president of the United States, just as soon as someone can get Trump to admit it. The president tried to barricade himself on the White House roof, but he got winded, so now he is barricaded on the third step.

JOBRANI: (Laughter).

HONG: This has been the most stressful week. It's been like a pregnancy test/STD test/bringing home a non-Korean boyfriend to your...

SAGAL: (Laughter).

HONG: ...Korean parents. Like, that all rolled into one - that has been this week.

JOBRANI: (Laughter).

HONG: Ugh.

SLOAN: I don't know. I mean, I'm sure - my mother's always been disappointed when I brought home a non-Korean boyfriend.


JOBRANI: This - it's - first of all, these pollsters need to, like - that whole industry's got to go away because I kept...

SLOAN: Yeah.

JOBRANI: ...Watching it go, and I don't trust the numbers. I don't trust the numbers. And as you said, it was even more disappointing when I knew I wasn't going to trust them. But then it came out. And election night, I was like, what - who - what - I would be so ashamed to tell someone I'm a pollster. I - they're so off. I don't know why...

SAGAL: (Laughter).

JOBRANI: ...They get it so wrong.

SAGAL: It is true, though, that, like, in 2016, the polls got it wrong, so the pollsters were like, OK, we're going to reevaluate our methods. We're going to fix what went wrong. We're going to absolutely get it right this time. And they got it wrong again. It is a huge embarrassment. Nate Silver was demoted to Nate Bronze.


SAGAL: One theory is that - and I don't know if it's true - is that this phenomenon of shy Trump voters is real - that there were these people who wouldn't tell pollsters they were voting for Donald Trump because they're just - they don't want to come out in public. But, you know, it's like, guys, we know the way you block traffic and your pickup trucks flying the huge Trump flags.

SLOAN: (Laughter).

SAGAL: It's a tell.

SLOAN: (Laughter).

SAGAL: It is...

HONG: I...

SAGAL: I'm sorry. I will say, Helen - don't laugh. It is a common problem for men. Some men just can't be racist if someone is watching them.


SLOAN: Oh, they definitely can.


JOBRANI: You know, I just figured out why his kids want him so badly to win - 'cause they know the attention's going to go back on them.

SAGAL: Oh, yeah.

JOBRANI: They're like, come on, you guys. You know how you've had to deal with this crap for four years? That's been our whole lives. We got four years to just kind of deflect and be like, yeah, dad, I'm running the business. Now he's going to go back and be like, what have you been up to, dumbo?

SAGAL: Yeah. Hey, do you guys remember when Al Gore lost his race for the presidency 20 years ago? He grew a beard. Do you think Trump's going to do that? Can you imagine what's on the top of his head growing on the bottom of his head?

HONG: (Laughter).

SLOAN: That man's lasered all of that off. He's had so much work done, there's no hair follicles on his face.


SAGAL: All right, Molly. Here is your next quote.

KURTIS: Florida, how the hell did Montana and South Dakota get it before us?

SAGAL: That was a Floridian on Twitter reacting to the news that this week, several states voted to do what?

FLYNN: Legalize marijuana or psychedelic drugs.

SAGAL: You are absolutely on it...


SAGAL: ...Molly.


SAGAL: I assume with that name, you would be (ph). Yes...


SAGAL: ...Legalize drugs. And it's not just weed anymore, as you said - Oregon, which legalized psychedelic mushrooms and decriminalized all drugs, including heroin and cocaine. Now, of course, I should say the magic mushrooms in Oregon are all medicinal. So it's like, Doctor, I need this lamppost to look more like Jesus. What do you prescribe?

HONG: (Laughter).

JOBRANI: Maybe there's something to this idea of defund the police 'cause if you take that money and just buy mushrooms, and any time you got trouble, you just show up and give the person mushrooms, I think the problem just solves itself, doesn't it?

SAGAL: Exactly.

JOBRANI: They just kind of wander off (laughter). They wander away.

SAGAL: They won't burn anything down. They'll stand in front of buildings and go, is that on fire?


SLOAN: People love drugs, so if they've decriminalized all of the drugs in Oregon, there's always - I've always been annoyed by the term budtenders that they use in weed - like, in dispensaries 'cause it's like, this is pretentious and stupid. But if they decriminalize everything, and they start selling cocaine at places, then they're going to be blowtenders.


SLOAN: I'm very excited.

SAGAL: All right. Molly, we have one last quote for you. Here it is.

KURTIS: Can Thanksgiving still be Thanksgiving without it?

SAGAL: That was journalist Aimee Levitt wondering whether we can still call it Thanksgiving if no one is going to eat what?

FLYNN: Turkey.

SAGAL: Yes, turkeys.


SAGAL: Coronavirus, of course, means we probably are not getting together for Thanksgiving, which means nobody is going to be eating turkeys, which means the country is now in the middle of a huge turkey surplus. How can you even have a holiday without the totally normal practice of eating cubes of bread we've stuffed up the butt of a bird carcass?


SLOAN: OK, first and foremost...


SLOAN: ...My people do dressing. We don't put nothing in.

SAGAL: Nothing up the cavity - nope.

SLOAN: Only thing that goes in there is an onion, some carrots and some herbs - nothing to scoop back out to eat. We are Christians.

HONG: (Laughter).

SLOAN: Also, we have to - turkey was never that good anyway. If Thanksgiving didn't exist, we wouldn't be eating this peacock knockoff anyway. It's not that good.

SAGAL: Well, that's the thing. That's the thing because they've got all these turkeys, right? And they grow the turkeys to these enormous sizes. And now no one's going to buy them, so now they have all these turkeys. Now, one thing they could do to them - do with them is they could send them to the states that just legalized drugs.

HONG: (Laughter).

SAGAL: It's, like, that's the only way people will ever eat turkey. If you thought your mouth was dry before, dude, take a bite of this. And so the turkey farmers are trying to figure out something else to do with the birds, like maybe sell turkey parts or turkey leather.

JOBRANI: Listen; the thing with the - first of all, if another wave comes from the coronavirus, there might be toilet paper shortage. So maybe they can turn the turkeys into toilet paper - toilet paper turkeys.


SAGAL: Just keep one by the toilet, yeah. (Unintelligible).

SLOAN: Meat toilet paper, Maz Jobrani?

JOBRANI: I'm just saying. I don't know. I'm trying to find a solution for the turkeys. And secondly, Dulce, I totally agree with you. I'm Iranian. My wife is Indian. Whenever - every Thanksgiving, we have Persian food, Indian food. Nobody touches the turkey.

HONG: Yeah.

JOBRANI: Why would you touch - it's - you have 4,000 years of cuisine. Turkey's the only food they actually got to put food inside just in case...

HONG: (Laughter).

JOBRANI: ...You don't like the turkey, you get that food inside.

SAGAL: So, you know, this is true. Another problem for turkey farmers - COVID led to the cancellation of all the Renaissance fairs this summer. And that, of course, eliminated the business for giant turkey legs.

SLOAN: What do they do with the rest...

SAGAL: This is all true.

SLOAN: ...Of that turkey when they take the legs off them things? Do they turn them into lunchmeat?

JOBRANI: No, that's why you see a bunch of turkeys limping around.

HONG: (Laughter).

JOBRANI: You're like, oh, that's...

SLOAN: Nice.

JOBRANI: They took that one leg.

HONG: That was a Ren fair turkey.

SAGAL: Bill, how did Molly do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Molly gave us a correct answer for every question we had.

HONG: Woohoo.

SAGAL: Thank you, Molly - well-deduced.

FLYNN: Thank you guys so much. It was a pleasure.

SAGAL: Congratulations. Take care.

SLOAN: Thank you. Bye.

FLYNN: Thank you.

SAGAL: Bye-bye.


(SOUNDBITE OF LYNYRD SKYNYRD SONG, "FREE BIRD") Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.

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