The ACSLNE Championship in Marlow

Mega Robo Pyro Chicken (right) fires a round at his opponent at the Armored Combat Suit League of New England championships. (Donna Moxley)

(Opening battle ambience)

By all accounts, the 4th annual Armored Combat Suit League of New England’s championships Saturday were the sport’s most exciting yet.

Seven armored competitors fought each other for hours with only their wits and their ordnance.

The pilots – as they are known – cover themselves with homemade body armor.

Some put motorcycle helmets on their heads.

Their armor is made of various combinations of cardboard and duct tape or leather and sheet metal.

Underneath it all, fireproof coveralls.

On the field they look like a cross between medieval knights and robots from low-budget 1950s sci-fi movies.

Their weapons are that staple of July 4th celebrations, the roman candle.

Competitors light the fuses with a flare and point them in the direction of their opponent.

(Sound of Tom getting snorkel)

League founder and standing champion Tom Willey dons his suit with the help of his master armorer, Josh Wilson.

Tom (muffled):
“Hit the helmet down more"

League founder and defending champion Tom Willey, who goes by the name URTOD, suits up for combat. (Donna Moxley)

Willey goes by the name URTOD.

That stands for Unstoppable Rolling Thunder of Doom.

He’s defending his title against Crouching Turtle.

(intro sound under, air horn)

The pilots light their ordnance and begin to shoot. The crowd goes wild... kind of.

(a couple of dogs bark, some people laugh, there’re some popping sounds)

The goal is to hit your opponent with more balls of fire than he hits you.

(Better battle sound underneath, fades.)

URTOD forces a crouching Crouching Turtle into a corner.

A small fire smolders by the fence.

URTOD runs out of ordnance but the Turtle can’t catch up.

Announcer:
"The short range battle, UNSTOPPABLE ROLLING THUNDER OF DOOM moved ahead with 30 points to Crouching Turtle’s 12" (cheering)

Tom:
“Oh yah! Technology! Experience! I’m shocked, utterly shocked. I’m moving on to the semi-finals Mom and Dad! Yah! Aren’t you proud of this sport I’ve invented myself?"

The growth of the sport to near legitimacy is a kind of vindication for Willey.

His mom, Gloria Willey, says that as a child, his adventurous spirit and pyromania worried people.

Gloria Willey:
“He used to make little boats and stuff toilet paper in it and light it on fire in my little sink in the half-bath downstairs. I’d come home and there would be little dead Viking things floating around in the sink. And then one time he tried to make napalm on our wood retaining wall..."

Cindy Blasquez:
“And then when he was about 13,”

That’s Cindy Blasquez, Tom’s sister.

“He used to soak Styrofoam in gasoline in the garage and affix that to his bow and arrow set and light it and shoot targets on the lawn.”

Tom managed to secure mainstream work as a software engineer, but never lost sight of his dream.

The first Armored Combat Suit League championship pitted Willey as URTOD against a small, highly flammable cardboard city.

He won.

The second year was different, with actual competitors.

Back then they had an actual short-range competition to go with this year’s long- and medium-range.

They called it “melee combat.”

(Sounds of MRPC V WONDERBOY)

Mega Robo Pyro Chicken in action. (Donna Moxley)

Competition continued lasted most of the day.

Mega Robo Pyro Chicken lost to Wonderboy after a couple of minor mishaps.

Pyro Chicken lost some feathers in a fire in his kilt, and a round burned its way through all of Wonderboy’s armor, including his jeans.

And then it was time for Jennifer Tacy’s debut.

The Keene resident joined Hillary Clinton’s ranks by breaking the Armored Combat Suit League’s glass ceiling to become the first woman in the sport.

She took the nom de guerre, Cutest Pilot Ever.

In what would be the first of several wardrobe malfunctions, she took it in stride that she’d come with two left-foot boots.

Donna:
“And so you literally have two left feet.”

Tacy:
“I do have two left feet and I hope, you know, I have so many things I feel that are going for me that it’s natural there’s something that will give the guys a chance.”

Battle sound

Donna:
"Cutest Pilot Ever is losing her skirt... but she’s still shooting..."

(whoa, whoa, cheers, laughter, fade)

Cutest Pilot Ever lost to Orion, 11 to 21, and was hit in the finger with a round.

Wonderboy, aka Robin Oke, this year's ACSLNE champion. (Donna Moxley)

And though her suit protected her from the worst, its elaborate ornamentation took a beating.

“My dignity is still intact, you know, what I think for my first year here, my first year out here against some of these guys, I feel pretty good about what I did. I think I’ve encouraged a lot of other women to step forth and enter the battle ring.”

Several battles later, after URTOD lost his crown to Wonderboy, it was down to Orion and Wonderboy.

(battle sound under)

Spectator:
“Wonderboy – OH! Wondergirl, GO!”

The long-range round had Orion ahead.

But the short range round was what made the difference.

The ACSLNE championship trophy. (Donna Moxley)

Orion’s first problem was that the fire to light his ordinance has gone out.

Wonderboy’s helmet malfunctioned, too, and there are a few more causes for worry.

League Commissioner Beth Plotts provided some play by play.

Plotts:
“Now this is Orion’s first year in the League and Wonderboy’s second … Orion made it to the final round in his first year, he really, he really has gone above and beyond any of the other first-year pilots – whoa, armpit on fire.”

In the end, mostly unhurt, Wonderboy took the match.

Tom on PA:
“Wonderboy in the shortrange match scored 42 hits for a grand total of 53 (screams) and is now the 2008 ACSLNE Champion! (Cheers) Remember, always, courage, fire and honor." (“Beer” from the crowd.) “And beer.”

Wonderboy, aka Robin Oke:
“I’d like to thank my wife and my armorers, my band of armorers, and suit helpers and whatnot … I’d like to thank Marvel comics.”

Having ended URTOD’s rein as league champion, Wonderboy warned Saturday that he’d be back next year.

Wonderboy:
“I guess I’ve got to defend this next year, I know Tom will come back.”

For NHPR news, I’m Donna Moxley.