Most afternoons, Jim gets in his Volvo station wagon and drives 15 minutes to Ann's nursing home in Portsmouth.
Jim: 2:33 that's Ann over there. You can see her breathing is hard, (makes breathing sounds) I'll give her a kiss. Wake up, hon. I'm here. I'm here. Well I guess the magic doesn't work anymore. C'mon. I will give her a ride and she'll wake up.
DG: Jim tries to see his wife before lunch or dinner.
He says that way she's got something to do after he leaves.
His visits are pretty routine- he often wheels her around the nursing home halls in a kind of vinyl barcalounger.
Sometimes they sit in a quiet room, and watch T.V.
Jim: 3:40 she's still sleeping. Hey wake up....
DG: Jim has had about five years to get used to this Ann....the one who can't walk, talk or much of anything else, let alone laugh, confide or share.
But he insists she can recognize him.
Jim: 1:04 everyone will tell you, that when she sees me, her eyes light up...she knows me. She'll even smile if I tell her about the kids...do you remember the kiddies? You had Rosemary. Carol. Jimmy. Catherine. Irene and Annie. Remember all the babies and everything you did for them? You did a lot of stuff with your babies...
DG: Ann doesn't seem to respond in any way.
Jim:....now how much does she know? She knows I am here. That's the major thing.
Jim: 4:22....it makes me sad to see her so helpless. Like when she is just sitting here, it isn't so bad, but when she is eating, she can't pick up a fork or a cup or a spoon or anything. It makes me sad. It is against my memory of a vital woman.
DG: Jim's trips to the nursing home usually last a little more than an hour.
We head back to his house.
As we pull up I notice the well-tended gardens that surround the house.
Garden tools resting against a fence suggest long mornings and afternoons digging, pulling and planting.
Kayaks hang in the backyard.
Jim:....We're Home!
DG: Nancy, the woman Jim has lived with the past four years is on the phone as we walk in.
Sfx: Nancy talking on the phone and to us.
DG: When the two aren't gardening or doing something outdoors, Nancy says they like to sing, well, at least she does.
Nancy and Jim: 3:26 I lead the UNH Marine Dossen Shanty Group and Jim sings with my group. Jim who was never a singer, sings with my Shanty singers....the kids heard, 'you're singing? Ohhhh Myyy gawd.' I'm the guy if I sing happy birthday the kids would hold their ears.
DG: In many ways- it's a life that sustains 78 year old Jim and 69 year old Nancy.
Jim and Nancy: 2:18 ....and we huddle up in bed and have a lovely time....wait you are not supposed to say that! My god, people are going to know we are cuddling up. (laughter)
DG: Despite how happy the two are, it's not a relationship either ever hoped for.
Jim did everything he could to keep his wife Ann by his side.
His son Jimmy says even after Ann moved into a nursing home, his father continued to devote himself to her.
Jimmy: :28 my dad was spending all day, every day at the nursing home. All day......He took courses to become a certified nursing assistant, b/c he felt like she took care of me all these years, I am going to take care of her. Nobody is going to give her a bath. Nobody is going to give her a shower. I can do all that.
Jim: 3:31 you begin to get lonesomer and lonesomer. You are just sitting around by yourself at night.... there are a lot of things you don't like to do by yourself....like go to the theatre. All of that. You feel funny....you are used to being with somebody.
DG: Meanwhile, Nancy had been happily living with her partner Pete for about ten years.
Nancy's first two long-term relationships had ended ugly.
But Pete, a lovely, gentle man according to Nancy had developed what she called a galloping kind of Alzheimer's.
Jim and Nancy: 5:46 not many caregivers go into the nursing home on a regular basis. And both jim and I did. So we would be sitting there... and we would start talking to each other, 'hi, who are you?'.... I recognize there are an awful lot of things a woman doesn’t know how to do in the house....and I needed bookshelves taken down. So I asked him to come and do it, and he said sure.
DG: Bookshelves lead to more talking which lead to Jim asking Nancy out on a date.
Jim: 9:45 ...It's like 46-47 years since the last time I asked a girl out. Talk about feeling like a 15 year old kid....
Jim: 1:56....she said yes. And then I panicked.
Nancy: 4:55 we went out for dinner and he brought me back to the house and walked out of the car, and then you say, 'now what?' here you are standing outside the house, I am a grown woman. I have been married before....now what? So Jim gave me a little kiss. And I said, 'oh, isn't that nice.'
Jimmy: 3:16 my dad never said, I started dating this woman. He just wouldn't be home a lot....And my sisters and I started talking to each other, where is dad, I haven't talked to dad. I don't know where he is.
DG: Annie says her dad entered his new life a bit reluctantly.
Annie: 23:43 he did ask me, quite a few times in the beginning, what do you think about her?...And I think he was concerned we would all feel angry he was turning his back on mom.
Jim: 6:22....it's not something you do that is cavalier after you have been married 47 years, even if she doesn't understand.
DG: Jim says Ann always worried other women would try to steal him away.
And he says he knows she wouldn't approve of his relationship.
But he set those concerns aside.
Jim: 16:31 in a sense I didn't rationalize it. What I did was out of just my heart said it, alright. I need a hug. I did!...You need some contact with people.
DG: Things turned serious between Nancy and Jim.
Nancy's partner Pete passed away a few months after they began dating.
Just a few months after that, the couple decided to live together.
Nancy knew she was getting involved with a man who was still married, but she says she was fine with it.
Nancy: 6:12 ...For me, knowing how Pete was at the end, and seeing Ann when I was there, these are bodies we are taking care of, but they don't have a mind. We care for them b/c they are still alive, but the mind is gone. So it's almost like he is not really married, he's just taking care of someone.
DG: Even so, Nancy insisted Jim tell Ann what was happening.
Jim: 21:34 ...So I go in to talk to Ann and tell Ann....I said I met this woman, you know her, Nancy. And this woman and I have been going out. Having dinners. And I am going to start to move in to Nancy's house....but it didn't explain it to her. She knows I am holding her hand. She's happy with that.
DG: During Jim and Nancy's time together, almost everyone has supported the arrangement.
Jim feels he hasn't broken his vow - in sickness and in health, till death do you part.
In his mind he has found a way to separate the feelings for Ann and the obligations to her from his life with Nancy.
He draws lines that make sense- to him.
For example, he says he would never kiss Nancy in front of Ann.
But he also invited Nancy to his 50th wedding anniversary party at the nursing home.
Jim: 3:28 ...I don't feel it intrudes. Ann doesn’t know if Nancy is there or not....I think Nancy is part of our family and she should be part of what we do. Now I agree that a 50th wedding anniversary may not be the most....but if she had felt comfortable I would have been happy to have her come.
DG: Nancy declined.
While Jim is at ease with the two worlds he's created, the situation leaves Nancy feeling a little lost.
Nancy: 19:15 we don't talk about our relationship. I tell him a lot that I love him. and I do love him. I am not sure how he feels about me. He gives me wonderful cards on my birthday, and he brings me flowers a lot. And as you know, he doesn't wear his emotions....I don't know how he compares me to Ann. I've never asked him, and I wouldn't ask him. Am I better than Ann, do you love me more than Ann...that is not important to me. The important thing to me is that he is here, and we are here, and we are having a good time together.
DG: At 78, Jim hopes he gets another decade of gardening, kayaking, traveling, sharing and evenings with Nancy.
But at the end of the day Jim remains committed to the woman he married in 1956.
Jim: 13:03...Nancy is, if you want to call it, alright, icing on the cake. You don't take 45 years of good married life, and all the stuff we've been through, the kids, economics and all that, you don't just pass that away. I think I will be buried with Ann.
DG: Nancy doesn't take Jim's ultimate and final request personally.
Nancy: 9:38 ....my life has been so jumbled all the way along, I am happy to be where I am right now. I have had very unhappy times in my life, so this is as good as it gets for me, and that's fine. It's good.
DG: Nancy reminds herself she is the envy of her single friends.
Jim is the first to say how lucky he is to have Nancy in his life.
And for both of them, the compromises they had to make are alright.
For NHPR News, I'm DG.
